Growing up, I lived a sheltered life. I’m the oldest of four children and I have parents who would do anything to protect me. I’m very lucky.
Even though I hate to admit it, this shielding had its drawbacks. When I was eight, I told my mom I learned what the f-word meant. Too embarrassed to say it out loud, I leaned and whispered ‘fart’ in her ear.
So imagine me in sixth grade. I hear the word ‘gay’ for the first time. What does this mean? Boys can like boys? Girls can like girls? What?!
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Flashback to third grade. All every girl can talk about is their crush on the cute boys in our class. Here’s the problem. I don’t have a crush. What’s wrong with me? I go home one day and tell my mom about this boy. I like him so much mom! I draw his name in hearts! She asks me if he’s cute. ‘Ew! Gross!’ was my instant response.
I had a boyfriend once, back in seventh grade. He broke up with me because I didn’t want to kiss him. I was so confused and wondered, ‘What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I find anyone attractive? Why doesn’t anyone find me attractive?’
Looking back now, it’s almost hard not to laugh. Poor Mollie. I was confused and scared and felt so alone. It was hard realizing I’m gay. I lived in Georgia and went to a conservative Christian school where I felt like being gay wasn’t an option. I turn 21 next week and I’ve been out and (mostly) proud for three years now. I’m in a happy, committed relationship with a beautiful girl.
But, it wasn’t so easy to get here. First I had to realize I’m gay. Then I had to process it. Then I had to accept it. And next, I learned to embrace it. It didn’t make sense to me for a long time. In my mind, lesbians had short hair, no makeup, wore combat boots, and stuck out in a crowd. I had long curly hair, wore dresses almost every day and brown eyeliner was my best friend. I didn’t fit what I thought gay should look like as a woman.
I DIDN’T FIT WHAT I THOUGHT GAY SHOULD LOOK LIKE AS A WOMAN.
Why did I feel that I was only a real lesbian if I presented as androgynous or masculine? Of course, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to present oneself in this way. The feminist movement is about a woman’s right for equality regardless of how she looks. And while androgynous or masculine presentation is the right self-expression for many queer women, I thought it was the only option. So at 19, I underwent an identity crisis. I bought combat boots (which I love and adore and wear probably every day). It was only due to my mom’s intervention that I didn’t get a pixie cut. (Thanks, mom! You were right, I can’t pull that off…) Now, at 21, I’ve learned to say ‘screw you’ to the gender binary and I fully believe that gender is a construct – but that’s a whole different article.
So while my style may have evolved (still wearing Dr. Martens and excessive flannel), my identity hasn’t. Sometimes it’s tough not being easily identifiable to other lesbians, because honestly I really would love some more queer friends. But at the same time, I’m confident and happy with who I am, the choices I’ve made, and the life I’m living. I’ve learned to reject the stereotypes that come along with my sexual identity and I’ve learned not to let the doubt define me. Just don’t take away my plaid flannel shirts until after graduation.
Originally published: http://www.bsmartguide.com/learn/how-to-find-love/1210-growing-up-gay-being-queer-and-feminine.html